Before you get too into this show, make sure that your coat is near you and you don’t leave it unattended. This is your public safety announcement, which is good for us as we can apply to be a non-profit now, as opposed to an unintentional one that we’ve always been before. Your ignorant uncles will want to use the internet for this one to find out why you get your accent back when you go home. E-mail us and tell us where our jokes rank in the all-time pantheon.
Get in a fight with your significant other, but make sure that it’s been six months at least. Just don’t point that plastic gun at them unless you’re at a nude beach with the Bidens. Eat a friend who doesn’t get your Mary Poppins reference and then laugh about butts while working for Amazon. Use your filter though, we don’t want to hear you talk on and on about the Pope. Oh yes, and then listen to this show.
Do keep this show on in the background at your house like it’s white noise? I suppose that’s acceptable. This week is a two-man show, but it’s not the combination that you assume it is. No, one of them is not Truman Capote, but there are some nasal voices involved. Join us on an epic journey into joke time as we shit on turkey and examine what was on our walls as teenagers. Just remember that this show is brought to you by a company that manufactures frustration and dead postal employees isn’t funny, damnit.
If you’ve ever wanted to hear Jimmie’s sexy, stuffed-up voice you are in luck because it guides us through the journey from Howard Stern to Rob Ford to Black Friday. You can look all of this up in the dictionary that you buy every year after researching it on a long Wikipedia rabbit trail which you are using way more than Facebook these days. Join us on our short-lived good joke streak!
Jimmie, Matt and Michael are douching their microphones with proverbial mouthwash this week with jokes and conversations about happy/sad eating, bad sitcom ideas and being cast as an unattractive person. So strap on your graphic t-shirt, start fighting with another female at laser tag and yell that Springsteen because this one’s a solid, non-RBI gaining hit.
Matt might have a broken toe, Michael has a theory as to what it is Indian people are putting on their foreheads and Jimmie has the ceremonial exchanging of personal belongings with the ex. If you don’t listen to this one we will yell racism at you before refusing to see you until next year.
We’re still waiting for this podcast to become cool, but in the meantime we’ll be reading our fortunes while asking how Chicago is. So get out your rooster sauce and invite your favorite mongoloid to the penis roof because we’re going to be sipping on Naked juice while escaping the police on drug charges because of our good jobs. Listen to our two truths and a lie.
This week we talk about how Halloween costumes are no longer scary and are just a bunch of pop culture references and then go on to give our opinions about Captain Phillips for way too long. What’s worse is that we steal your identity during the show while you’re watching a horror film and then we try to assert our masculinity. After listening you may want to send us a black and white candid photo of yourself and your overweight TV husband. Hit play to hear two white guys discuss race!
Are you texting during this show? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want to lose yourself in our world? We’re practically on the same entertainment level as the Coen brothers, right? Perhaps you’ve committed that phone number to memory or perhaps you work a government job and you spend most of your day working on old school Clinton fat jokes. We don’t know what you do, we just know that your social etiquette skills are for shit.
It’s two of us again this week and you can probably guess which two it is at this point. Since we have the room we’ll take any visitors from out of town who are here to run the marathon granted that they take a soak with us in the hot tub and entrust us to wake them up the next morning. We’ll forgive you if you need to check your phone 110 times during this episode or if you’re just in the middle of a caffeine-fueled freakout.
Jimmie is finally back with us this week after a prolonged absence and we break down his busy work schedule and his personal life going to hell in a handbasket. What better music to accompany such a journey than KoЯn? Of course things could be worse, he could be taking pictures of himself with fake mustaches, which we all agree is an offense worthy of execution as are our opinions on teachers having sex with students being the same for both genders and historic phone calls between countries that haven’t spoke in over 30 years. Just listen along with Cynthia.
It’s still just the two of us with Jimmie’s spirit somewhere in the ether. So as we’re functioning as a three-legged dog you may find the listening experienced enhanced by shaving your head bald, keeping some illicit photos on your digital camera while listening to Sheryl Crow. Bonus points if you follow corporations’ social media accounts on your palm pilot as you read up about how the Affordable Care Act works. Hint: sucking on breasts is a deductible.
After a frustrating two week absence, we are back and Jimmie is still M.I.A. We went looking for him by calling out “Junior!” but the scabies couldn’t find his skin to burrow under. Luckily some veterans took our jobs so we were able to hitchhike and be good passengers while ignoring the fools who give a shit about the Miss America pageant, who we then slut shamed. It was an eventful afternoon.
Our prodigal son has finally returned to the fold and we can breathe again. We’re still in an iron lung, mind you, but breathing it is. He joins us to discuss getting hit by a cyclist in your car, who will pay for Chelsea Manning’s operations, small iPhones/cars/cocks and Old Navy clothes. So sign in to the comment section as Fartman123 and comment away!
I hope that this letter finds you well because this is the last time you will hear from me. I know that this may come as a shock to you, which is one of the many reasons that I wish to terminate this relationship. I warned you that this was day was coming back in March, but…
Jimmie is still at large and we’re still in denial that he is too busy for us these days which is why we’ve brought back a very comforting presence: Ms. Megan Renner. Megan joins in our conversations about knowing you’re going to marry someone from the moment you meet them and that being complete horseshit, public transportation, the attractiveness of the Obama gals, noses, bullying and Oprah. Sadly, we did not have pizza after the show so you should feel even more sorry for us than usual.
A funny thing happened this week. Actually two funny things happened this week. First, we had our good friend Megan Renner scheduled to join us because Jimmie is still being held captive by a team of terrorists that call themselves advertisers. She got sick so we grabbed the first person we saw at Second City that didn’t swing a bat at us who happened to be Hilary Bernius. We had a lovely chat with her and learned all about her engagement and how tolerant she is of bad jokes. Then for whatever reason, we lost the recording seventeen minutes into the show. So listen to us talk to Hilary for a while, tell a couple of jokes and then float away like the proverbial turd. Hope you didn’t want any meat.
The three of us are back together, this time for an entire show! So if you want to be lectured about how comedy and entertainment isn’t noble you came to the right place. Just be sure that your legacy is secure for altruistic reasons, take the appropriate words out of your vernacular, stop saying “like” and call up your hedge fund friend. Let’s go!
Jimmie and Michael are going it alone, which could mean a many number of things. I like to think it’s in some sort of Western setting that ends up with the two of them being slaughtered by the Indians and right before they’re beheaded they have a punchline showdown that ends in a draw so they decide to shoot each other before being scalped.
It’s just Matt and Michael this week…for a while. We talk to Jimmie via the telephone and then toward the end we get a surprise house call. It’s a pop-in and it’s spectacular. If you want to hear more subdued reactions to the George Zimmerman trial and frank talk about the size of our penises, listen in and fire your secretary for being too damn attractive because you’re going to want to have an affair with this podcast.
We have yet another rare treat for you because this week all three of us are joined by the lovely Jessica Besser-Rosenberg. It was unfortunate for us, only because she proved herself to be a much better joke writer than us and has a much more pleasant demeanor. However, our jaws are much more malleable probably from spewing so much b.s. at you for so long.
Yo teach: I wasn’t able to get my paper done, but I do have this napkin with a few doodles on it. How about you use that until next week when I turn in my real shit? And no, I don’t think it’s ridiculous that I’m 38 years old and repeating the 10th grade, why do you ask?
The three of us are back together again and we’re talkin’ weather, we’re talkin’ teeth and we’re talkin’ Jew talk. Marry Rupert Murdoch, dig out Jimmy Hoffa and grab a slurpee because we’re undertaking some man shit and no bear or bbq will get in our way. Where’s that sandman?
We are joined this week by Mallory Bradford who not only gives us some joke time decorating tips, but also shares her bed sheets with us. Ms. Bradford also shares some logic with us in joke form and why she has no desire whatsoever to confront the cosmos. She just doesn’t want to walk back into the room and declare, “I”ve got it!”
Jimmie had to miss this week’s show so we welcome the lovely Megan Renner who shares tales of gluten, donuts, narcolepsy and listens to us pontificate about sexual assault and intimate porn. She’s already being considered for sainthood for not murdering us. Although she would be awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom if she were to do so. Decisions, decisions…
Call up your depressed mom and enjoy this week’s episode as much as Saddam Hussein would have. Hopefully your mood swings aren’t too severe and send you into a dour state. If so, just go hang with some racist soccer hooligans and pass on those genes to your kid so they won’t be a fan of science class either. Giddy up!
We ask that you respect and obey the swinger’s code while listening to this week’s show. And if you’re going to employ the services of a sex worker, use the proper apparatus to find out how recent the last customer was. Since we’re all good friends with Brad Pitt, we think we have earned the right to tell his daughters if they’re dressing too provocatively when they become teenagers. Join us in going over the falls.
In this episode we discuss and make jokes about the following: tattoos, being critical/cynical, gay marriage, Obama administration scandals, suicide and execution methods, Jon Voight and conspiracy theories. So call up your relatives and gather them ‘round the podcast broadcasting machine.
Grab your multigrain chips because this week we’re joined by a very special instructor in the Chicago improv scene. If you’ve ever been part of a mixed race couple be sure and get your secret stomach surgery after riding a bike. Then turn on the show, order some Burger King delivery and write your World War II letters. The member of the trinity that will find this the most appalling has to be God, right?
We have a new episode, bitch! So stop being a cunt and join our poker night already. We may question your plastic surgery choice but you’ll be very supported when you come out of the closet, especially if you’re not a rich athlete or entertainer. Also, I don’t know if you saw this in the Yahoo! top stories but some cologne is good but Axe Body Spray never is. Now someone call up Eugene and play this damn thing!
Jimmie is back this week although we’re still without Michael so you will be deprived of jokes about unnecessary scientific studies. What you won’t be deprived of is promoting each other, discussion about Tetris and the mysteries of unused and very used vaginas. Be gentle while listening.
This week we try something a little out of the ordinary in the form of good jokes and interesting banter. You might want to call LL Cool J on the phone and listen to it with him. And what the hell - get Tim Gunn in on it with you so the conversation won’t veer into sex too much. Let’s go!
Are we mean to you? If so, let us know and we’ll talk shit about ourselves on our podcast. You’ve never heard this many punchline showdowns in one show before and if you know that to be true from listening to all the past episodes, you need a much more constructive hobby, like taxidermy or masturbation. Listen to this episode while talking to a friend on the bus.